Category: Podiatry

‘How bad is it?’ Micha asked me, closing his eyes as I gingerly pried off his hiking boot.

‘I don’t know yet,’ I grumbled, annoyed that this was how I was spending my weekend. It was supposed to be a fun couple of days away, just hiking through the pristine national park. Now I was standing over my best friend’s disgusting foot in the middle of nowhere while he suckled on a camel bag for comfort.

‘This sucks,’ I said, again.

‘It sucks more for me,’ he protested.

‘No, it hurts more for you,’ I shot back, tugging on his sweat-soaked sock. ‘I’m absolutely getting the worst end of the deal.

His sock scraped itself over the end of his foot, and I almost fell over, suppressing the urge to vomit.

‘What is it?’ he asked me, hand pressed over his forehead.

I couldn’t immediately answer, still locked in a battle with my gag reflex.

‘Steve?’ he asked, peering out at me. ‘What is it?’

‘You’ve got—’ I gasped out, pausing to press a hand against my mouth. ‘Toenail fungus,’ I spat out. ‘It’s fungus.’

‘What?!’ he yelled, sitting upright and peering down at his foot. ‘How the hell did that happen?’

‘You know I have no idea how to treat toenail fungus, right?’ I said, looking pointedly up at the sky. ‘And we’re in the middle of nowhere?’

‘It’s okay, I can make it,’ he said, nodding to himself. ‘We’re what, a kilometre away from the next campsite?’

‘Not even close,’ I sighed. ‘At least twenty.’

‘Twenty?!’

‘You’re getting shrill.’

‘Because my foot is about to fall off,’ he squealed.

‘Oh, don’t be so dramatic,’ I said, getting to my feet. ‘Just have to get higher up the mountain, until we get a signal. We’ll get you to a podiatrist soon enough. If you’re good, I’ll ask about getting you some custom orthotics to help with foot pain. Cheltenham has a well-funded rescue department, right?’

‘I have no idea,’ Micha said, starting to panic.

‘Relax, relax,’ I sighed. ‘Give me your phone and I’ll go find us a signal. Oh, and Micha?’

‘Yeah?’

‘You disgust me.’

‘Are you sure we don’t need to stop?’ James asked, nervously scratching underneath his beanie as he glanced down at my feet.

‘No, don’t be stupid,’ I grumbled. ‘I’m fine. Better than fine. I’m enjoying a lovely hike with my friend, why wouldn’t I be fine?’

‘Uh, I don’t know,’ he said, unconvinced. ‘It sounded like you hurt yourself pretty bad back there.’

‘I told you,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘I made that noise because I got a jolt, not because I’m in pain!’

‘The snapping noise?’

‘What?’

‘You made a snapping noise,’ he said. ‘Some part of your body did, at least.’

‘That’s absurd.’

‘I think it was your ankle,’ he nodded. ‘Actually, I’m just trying to be polite – dude, I one-hundred percent heard your ankle make a snapping sound.’

‘Well, it’s fine now!’ I cried out, waving my arms at him. ‘No need to rush me to a local podiatrist in Cheltenham!’

‘That’s a very specific thing for you to… not want me to do?’ he frowned. ‘I’m confused.’

‘Don’t be!’ I said, laughing. My soul momentarily left my body and I frowned at the tinges of mania I was feeling, before it was sucked back in and I forgot that I was worried. ‘Come on, let’s just finish this—yeowch!’

My foot had just lightly grazed a pebble, sending a bolt of unimaginable pain up my nervous system.

‘Jason, you’re clearly injured,’ James rolled his eyes. ‘Quite badly. Just sit down and let me call an ambulance.’

‘What?’ I laughed. ‘A helicopter?! Since when am I royalty!’

‘We’re like, three hundred metres down the trail,’ he frowned. ‘I think they might just carry you.’

‘Look,’ I said, quickly. ‘I’m feeling fine. Got my brand new hiking boots, got my adult orthotics to keep my arches supported – I even have a fun hiking stick I picked up before!’

‘Didn’t you pick it up because you were in too much agony to stand otherwise?’ James asked.

I smiled thinly at him, tempted to teach him a quick lesson about agony and hiking sticks.